the sky looks like it could weep

Today I sat in a Catholic Church for about 10 minutes, just to escape from the bustle of life, but also to rest my poor blistery feet for a second. It was really peaceful, but melancholy, and had a sense of dejection as soon as I stepped in the door. I’m literally in the most depressed mood right now, I feel like everyone I know only spends time with me, or is friends with me because they can get something out of me – my friends use me as a listening ear, or advice, someone to bitch to, my family plainly just someone to abuse (except maybe my mum), and any boys that I know, well that just explains itself – and it feels really fucking shit. I had a little bit of a cry in the kitchen before, when I made myself a cup of tea, and it burnt my tongue and tasted terrible, so I started tearing up, and smashed the cup into the sink.
It’s strange, because when I woke up this morning, I felt sick, and tired, but not sad or anything, and I washed my hair, pinned up my fringe, curled the ends and felt like I was channelling Effy Stonem, because I put on lots of black eye makeup and wore my biker boots out. But then I got some shitty messages, and later, got told shitty things about myself, and certain situations, and my mood went down the plughole. Not to mention I have no money whatsoever, and I can’t even talk because I’ve got the flu. Really, everything sets me off these days. And my ears hurt, and I can’t stop coughing, and I want to go home, except I have to stay at dad’s this week because we’re getting the bathroom renovated at home, which is ok, but I found out this morning it’s going to take a lot longer, so I’ll probably have to stay at dad’s for some of next week too, and I really don’t want to because his house smells like smoke, I’ve given up smoking, and I have a terrible cough so that’s not helping, and also I had a giant fight with him last night, and I never have before, and neither of us have apologised and it’s really weird and horrible but I figured out why I said some things to him, namely “you’re a fucking bastard”, and I’m fairly sure it’s because I’ve never expressed my pain to him before, and even though mum and him split up like 9 years ago, I’ve never talked to him about it, because it’s just something that we don’t do.
And, as usual, my life is so dull, and I wish I had a car, and somewhere to drive to. I would steal dad’s car, but the bloody battery’s flat, and it’s not registered or insured, and I don’t want to be shot. Or just somewhere to go, and drink and forget about everything. Or someone to do that with. I honestly feel right now like I have nothing to live for. Except my formal shoes maybe, or my biker boots, or my hilarious conversations about sex with Maman, which, by the way, made my day yesterday. But apart from that, everything is so monotonous, and uninteresting, and I feel like topping myself.
It probably doesn’t help that I’m listening to Starry Eyed by Ellie Goulding (which by the way, is the song that I listened to for days on end after a recent romance, and therefore always reminds me of said boy, and makes me sad and nostalgic every time I listen to it, even though it’s a brilliant song, and for that reason, I won’t stop listening to it just because of the way it makes me feel), and wearing all black..

or that the sky outside looks like it could weep. Bit of nice shit poetry there. Or that I have no one to talk to about my feelings, because I don’t want to offload my shit on anyone, and maybe I think it’s not all that important? And it’s getting dark, and I want to do something that makes my life worthwhile. Oh, and a bit of trivia, I always manage to fuck things up with everyone. And I always manage to fuck things up for everyone. I really think I have some kind of psychological problem, where I need to ruin things as much as I can, for me, and all the people close to me, and even for people who aren’t close to me.
But at least tomorrow I can develop my spending addiction, due to pay day, and probably buy some clothes and nailpolish and a few magazines maybe, and Russell Brand’s autobiography. I don’t even want it, but I’ll probably end up buying it anyway. And a new scarf, even though I’ve got three new scarves in the past week, one of which Mum gave me (actually she got me all three of them...), and I can’t find it anywhere which is really horrible because I love it so much! Actually, come to think of it, it’s probably in my room at home somewhere, under a pile of clothes or something ridiculous like that.
Enough of my whingeing, but in all probability, I’ll probably whinge some more later. So to correct myself: enough of my whingeing for now.