dependence

I can’t express how much I am addicted to the internet. At the moment, our modem is down and I am writing this on a word document instead of directly onto my blog. And let me tell you, it’s killing me. Just a little. Maybe a lot. Maybe totally. It’s not just the blog that I miss, it’s the updates on twitter which I cannot stand missing out on – I feel left out to tell the truth – and my dependence on online shopping (and subsequent removal of the ability to do this) has caused me to go a little bit insane over the past week (give or take). 

So I have taken to using my phone to go on the internet. Which is in itself a really bad thing. My phone bill for next month will be double. 

Other problems include not being able to download music at the drop of a hat, or when I hear a new song I rather like. I’m a bit dependent on music as well. I often feel like I want to dissolve into the music. Bit of a morbid thought I know. And not being constantly attached to the outside world makes me feel weird. And lonely. Very lonely.

At the moment I’m in a bit of a melancholic despondency. And usually I fix this certain mood by buying things, which sometimes forces me out of my little bubble. Sometimes it doesn’t. Anyway, whether it be clothes (online mostly), or music (also online), or food, or wood for the fire, or nailpolish, or rings, or coffee, it usually distracts me from my hopelessness for at least a little while, until I can face pulling myself out.

But because all of these are not accessible to me in my current climate, I am forked… to spend time with myself. The depressed self. Not the good one. Which sucks. I also can’t watch anything online. Like True Blood – this usually helps. Or reading my various collection of blogs that inspire me – visiting these people just for a bit makes me happy.