friday morning dreaming

Finish each day and be done with it. you have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too hight a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. 

Emerson, Ralph Waldo (1803 - 1882)

time for a change methinks!

I have reached a certain stage in my life where, although I never thought I'd be saying this (let alone actually doing it), I AM GROWING OUT MY FRINGE.

Yes, my beloved fringe which has accompanied me on many a journey throughout these past years (although to be fair, it hasn't been the same bits of hair the whole time).

Said fringe in its many varied forms:

it has evidently gone through long curly stages, tattoos (fuck what was I thinking. just kidding. eeeekk), summer, music festivals, a rather trashy drunk phase, the beach, being cut a bit shorter, more music festivals, family outings, then very short, and also blonde ends, then winter, not to mention the entirity of my later schooling years (I haven't not had a fringe since I was 15 - or at least not for very long.. who says this will last hahaha).

But, like my stance on many other things in life (ahem, really?), I believe that to move forward, sometimes change is a necessary thing. And that is my plan for the remainder of this year. Moving forward!

I also think changing something you've always had is as good as being radical eg: I recently took out my nose ring. It felt almost as exhilarating as getting a new piercing (although less trashy and painful, obviously).

(Also I'm hoping it'll be a fuck load easier to manage - fringes are bloody horrible to take care of.. washing every day, straightening, bla bla bla.)

Anyway, I'm sure this decision shouldn't be this hard. Maybe I'm just weird. But I'm struggling with it - thats for sure! I mean, what if people don't recognise me? Or secretly think I look stupid with no fringe? Has my fringe really become my signature 'thing'? Or am I being fucking ridiculous?

Many or all, or perhaps none of these questions will be answered in the follow ups to this post. Tune in to hear the latest from me, the serious-est girl on the planet (about serious decisions involving hair growth anyway).

dependence

I can’t express how much I am addicted to the internet. At the moment, our modem is down and I am writing this on a word document instead of directly onto my blog. And let me tell you, it’s killing me. Just a little. Maybe a lot. Maybe totally. It’s not just the blog that I miss, it’s the updates on twitter which I cannot stand missing out on – I feel left out to tell the truth – and my dependence on online shopping (and subsequent removal of the ability to do this) has caused me to go a little bit insane over the past week (give or take). 

So I have taken to using my phone to go on the internet. Which is in itself a really bad thing. My phone bill for next month will be double. 

Other problems include not being able to download music at the drop of a hat, or when I hear a new song I rather like. I’m a bit dependent on music as well. I often feel like I want to dissolve into the music. Bit of a morbid thought I know. And not being constantly attached to the outside world makes me feel weird. And lonely. Very lonely.

At the moment I’m in a bit of a melancholic despondency. And usually I fix this certain mood by buying things, which sometimes forces me out of my little bubble. Sometimes it doesn’t. Anyway, whether it be clothes (online mostly), or music (also online), or food, or wood for the fire, or nailpolish, or rings, or coffee, it usually distracts me from my hopelessness for at least a little while, until I can face pulling myself out.

But because all of these are not accessible to me in my current climate, I am forked… to spend time with myself. The depressed self. Not the good one. Which sucks. I also can’t watch anything online. Like True Blood – this usually helps. Or reading my various collection of blogs that inspire me – visiting these people just for a bit makes me happy.

potential

I think I have lots of potential. To be, well, everything and anything I feel like. Which is good, because I have so many diverse interests and things that don't fit in together or anything! Need to work on my anxiety first though. I really need to.

Work, that's what life is made up of. Working as a professional (or not - it's your choice), yes that's one of the things we work at, but working on ourselves as human beings is one that even surpasses the job type work. Or at least I think it should.

I unfortunately struggle with both of these. Ok that's a lie. I definitely have the will to work on myself (I recently started seeing a private psychologist which I have never done before), and am constantly opening myself up for people to peer inside and take a look at what's 'in there'. I'd like to write a memoir, but I haven't had enough interesting things happen to fill an entire book yet. Maybe 3/4 of a book, but not the whole thing. Anyway, I also have a good work ethic (minus today - I missed a shift and didn't show up for the first time ever!), just happen to avoid going out an getting an GOOD job that I might actually enjoy. Lord forbid I should enjoy my job! I never really have before though, so I guess I can understand my reluctance from that angle. Otherwise, no, I should probably just get my act into gear (shit together) and apply for a job I am passionate about. Something to do with fashion maybe? Or writing?

Who knows. At the moment the work I'm concentrating on is the work on myself. Perhaps if I figure myself out first, the other stuff will just fall into place. Perhaps.

new (good) start. hopefully..

The anticipation of a new job (and/or leaving your old one) is as scary as anything we come across in life I reckon. I'm in the middle of writing a resignation letter as we speak, and to be honest it's scaring me shitless. It's more like a self preservation thing though, really. I'm way too scared of being fired than is expressable - and this combined with being a notorious avoider has some difficulties in the 'real world'. So I have decided to take the bull by the horns and quit before I am sacked.

There isn't really any truth behind my speculation I'm about to be fired. I haven't done anything worth firing for - however, being employed as a casual worker, I am definitely the first to admit I don't have any rights in the hospitality business. It's a dog eat dog world out there, that's for sure.

And after finding out today that my bosses are taking back one of their old full-time girls, I decided there wasn't anything keeping me there, least of all my meagre 9 hours of work this week (which will almost certainly be even more reduced when the full-time girl comes back). Which sucks. But what can you do.

But I'm determined to try something new. Retail maybe, or administration? The only problem is, and this brings us back to the scary part, actually going through the steps and finding a new job may be the hardest thing of all!

Now enough of boring stuff, here is an update of my life via iPhone photos: