i can't move another inch

I've been watching way too much Gossip Girl lately. It just resonates so much with my life y'know? I feel like I can relate to all the characters, each in their different ways. Total bullshit. I think that's just a side-effect from way too much spare time and absolute and utter boredom and weird screwy weather. At the moment, I'm in an empty house, as Maman went away for the weekend, and une petit Diable (little brother) is staying with Papa, and the wind was howling a gale outside before. It's quietened down now, but I'm sure I'll wake up at about 4 to the sound of a violent thunderstorm. And it's meant to be summer in 2 days? Weird. Last week was a massive heat wave. Have to admit, this weather definately suits me. I will never get sick of saying how much I love winter. It is MY season. Seriously, waking up at 5am to drive your mum to the airport in that state of almost dark, but almost dawn, and grey skies, and amazing rain is the life. I'd never get sick of that. Then, after dropping mum there, me and R (brother!!) journeyed to the Central Market where we parked in a completely empty carpark (possibly due to it being 6.30 in the morning), and wandered around the almost deserted stalls, where we'd occasionally run into men unpacking flowers, and fruit, and not to mention the love of my life who works at the coffee shop where we had breakfast. I think his mum owns it actually. I think I may be coming to terms with the possibility he's gay though, because (as previously mentioned in the extensive babble about my failed attempt at a successful love-life), I suck with finding properly available men. Seriously, they either have a girlfriend, or are gay. Or, in unfortunate cases, are both. Well, it seemed highly likely at the time anyway.

This is another side effect from all my spare time. I talk absolute SHIT. I can only think of one positive to the fact that this brilliant rain will most probably clear up in the next few days to let forth the violent sun; and that is, I turn 18 in five days. I'm not even excited. I'd rather drink coffee and look at the gay love of my life. Rather than have a birthday. Just look at him. I wouldn't even mind a non physical relationship, just as long as he'd let me look at him.

Current music:
Sweet Disposition - The Temper Trap
E.S.T. - White Lies
Watchman, what is left in the night? - Greycoats (This one's amazing. I'm planning on learning to play it on the piano. Sounds quite simple, non?)

i said i said i said i said, keep it casual

It's strange, I thought that the relief of finishing school, and not having any (particular) responsibilities would make me feel so much better about my life. But the funny thing is, I'm still stuck in a pattern of lonliness and masochistic despair. Sounds really wanky but it's true. I'm sitting in my room in my un-made bed, with everything strewn across the floor, listening to Kreuzberg, and Letter to my Son by Bloc Party (on my laptop, as someone tore the fly screen of my friend's beach house and stole my iPod), and having a little bit of a cry. I feel really panicky most of the time, and my heart feels like someone is squeezing it. I truly have no love for anything right now. And the horrible thing is, I constantly do things that make me feel even worse about everything/myself.
So, ridiculously, my mind is having an unwanted conversation with itself, and I really just want to chill out and forget about everything that made me stressed over the year (and my whole life maybe..?).
I think I'm going to paint my nails. Black. Excellent choice for my dark mood.

please me, show me how it's done

Ahh, I feel slightly content. Even though I have a History exam in 12 or so hours, and I really can't remember anything. Oh well. If this is how I feel now, I can't even begin to fathom what I will be feeling tomorrow afternoon at 12:15. Jesus christ, I will have never been as free as that! Exciting.
I have a pre-birthday new years revolution. Um. And that is that I will never let myself become vulnerable. And that is the truth. I will never do anything I don't want to do. And I will definately, definately be more empathetic. That's something I struggle with. Putting myself in other people's shoes.

Wow, just listened to Glamorous by Fergie. Brings back such beautiful (and extremely embarrassing) memories of Year 9. Or was it 10? Who knows. Lovely.

I may slightly be getting used to the stifling heat of summer. Granted, I sat in an airconditioned room for most of the day, but when I came outside at half 7, lordy the balmy night was absolutely sublime. I don't get bitten by mosquitos, so that's another positive. Slept on dad's lawn for the past two nights because his house heats up like a bloody sauna. It was really nice apart from when I woke up last night and thought someone was walking through the house. And I got woken up at 8 by the sun blinding me. So I stumbled in a half-awake state inside (which was, by now relatively cool - as we left all the doors open during the night), and curled up on the couch to sleep for another two hours. Woke up at 10 to find my knees were completely cramped in the position I had fallen back to sleep in.

History. Shit, I forgot.

Just some pictures to contemplate..


^^ Is he not the most divine thing you have ever seen? No, probably not. But he's lush nevertheless.

i hate summer

Rainy night.. if only

In the middle of a weird November heat wave, and the options are not looking favourable. It's either sit in a relatively cool room and revise, or sit in a boiling hot room and revise. Well that isn't really an option I suppose, but I miss the cool weather. I'm definately NOT a summer person. I think the idea of summer appeals to me more than the actual reality of it.. Friends, dusky warm summer evenings, the beach, parties, fun, being relaxed. Sounds nice, but I'd much prefer rainy nights, and hot coffee and smoking in the mist of an autumn evening, or watch the street lights reflect off a wet road. Grey skies, thunderstorms, breezes that bring goosebumps to my skin. Maybe this 39 degree weather is just driving me insane. Coupled with revision and exams I guess it probably could.

I absolutely hate feeling vulnerable. I'm usually the person that manipulates others, boys mainly, but at the moment I have, unfortunately, got myself into the midst of a situation where I am finding it extremely hard to (metaphorically) stay on my feet. Except for I think I may have managed to put things into perspective this morning. Maybe this whole thing is just giving me a tast of my own medicine? I'd like to think I'm not that much of an absolute wanker, but surely what I usually do to people doesn't feel this terrible..? Whoops.

i'm not loving you

I think that you are so used to getting your way, and manipulating people, that when it happens, you don't notice anymore. Which means you are constantly seeking affirmation, and attention, and the top place.

my life

22:31 Chloe
omg a dork is a whales penis
22:31 Bella
i thought it was a camels penis
22:32 Chloe
oh mayb it is

When you work it out, i’m worse than you. When you work it out, i wanted to. When you work out where to draw the line, your guess is as good as mine

So, last day of SWOTVAC, and I still, for some unknown reason, have not done any study whatsoever, apart from write 3 reviews for drama in about 4 hours. My Psychology is still not finished, even though it was technically due for the SACE board on Friday, and instead of studying for my English exam that is actually tomorrow, I watched a Coldplay concert that was on telly. And now I’m pretty much doing everything I can, not to do work. This is ridiculous really, because there shouldn’t be anything stopping me from studying. But I’m finding every excuse not to.
I have no motivation WHATSOEVER. FUCK EVERYTHING!