stay, or forever go

Drama play all this week; we got moderated tonight, and I think it went well. At least there wasn't a fucking great spider on stage right in front of where I was sitting, like last night. Pretty bloody tired though. Woke up in a really good mood, happy as a fucking clam, and then proceeded one of the worst days I've ever had. May have something to do with the amount of unexpected mood swings I had to deal with (yes, I'm female, fuck off).

I accidentally took up smoking again, shit. Came home, freaked out because I felt like crying, and also had moderation tonight, smoked as moodily as possible, wrote some seriously fucked up poetry, got a call from a private number, got even more shitty, dumped clothes and stuff all over my room, daydreamed a bit about what would be happening if things were better, and then went back to school to get ready for our play.

After my monologue, and after most of my stuff on stage had been done, I drank a really really strong coffee (and I'm fairly sure the milk was off), ate 3 shitty orange creme biscuits, bitched about how much I hate boys, had an amazing d&m with the star of the show (pretty much anyway), Henry IIV. Talked to the executioner about coming back to my house and getting really drunk, but as we both have school tomorrow, decided it wouldn't be a very good idea. I'm now sitting in bed, feeling a bit sick, unhappy, really wired and like I want to stab someone, and cry (at the same time). I'm also listening to Only This Moment which isn't helping either because I listened to it in History a while back, also when I was in a crappy mood, so it's bringing back painful memories of that day. And god I hate being in denial.

Wish I was here