i've been fragile for a long time

You fucked up for the last time, you think you got everyone figured out. We're living in a glasshouse, coz everythin's shattering all around.

That's how I felt before, except then I had a bit of a bawl, and am now in an exceedingly good mood, due to the fact that aunty flow is almost leaving ahahahha yes boys and girls, only another 2 days, and I'm listening to The Beatles (which always helps), and father bear picked up my jacket off layby today, which I am bloody STOKED about, as it is literally the sexiest thing I've seen since, probably sliced bread. Not that I think sliced bread is sexy. Actually I wonder if there is such a thing as a fetish for bread. I mean you'd think there would be, as theres fetishes for about everything else.. including vomit. How fucked up is that?!? Hahahhahah.

Just before I had a little cry, maman came into my room, and asked me how I was, and due to everything just piling up and stressing me out and weighing me down, I answered 'shit' and started tearing up. I then confessed to something, to which she then replied 'it's probably from all the sex you have'. Which made me giggle a little bit. Because obviously, that's just completely untrue ahahh. Anyway, had an alright day, got a bit pissy at the end, but now I'm feeling alright again.

I also just found this which is so amazing:

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defenses, you build this whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They do something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own any more. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination, not just in the mind. It's a soul hurt, a body hurt... gets inside you and rips you apart pain. I hate love.

Wow I've just complained for so much of this. Anyway, this is what I wore sometime ago.. I look like a massive dick but whatever. I've been staring at this computer screen for so long I feel like my eyes are about to pop out of my head.

well you tried it just for once, found it alright for kicks

I think I've become a fucking insomniac again. Okay, it's not actually that late, but still. And what the fuck, I'm listening to Orgasm Addict..
I'll try harder to get to sleep I reckon. The problem is, if I go to sleep, I might not be able to wake up properly in the morning ahha. And there's always what I dream about, and having to contain myself if I see people the next day who were involved in my dreams. Actually I'm probably just a really really sexual person.
Sort of like this, except not really.

;

"All life is like spelled out in an alphabet of chemicals, man, two helices spiraling around each other and it's the same way for all the animals and plants and everything."
- the guy that invented LSD. What a legend.

we're in a mess babe

I just wandered around my room for almost an hour, in nothing but undies, with a feather stuck into my hair, and a massive turquoise necklace on. I fancied myself a little bit of an amazonian princess. But then mum spoiled the moment by walking in (it was slightly awkward until I put a top on), and having a go at me about all this homework I should've done, that I really really haven't. Speaking of which, I have an essay on Hamlet due on monday, that I've only written about 80 words on. And I got up at 11 to actually DO homework too. My life is such a failure. And something smells like it's burning.

The other night I had a dream that I met frankmusik and had sex with him. I honestly have such strange dreams. I swear there was a tiger or something involved in the dream too..

I'm so confused right now, as of this whole entire week. It's been really really shit from about tuesday till now, and as I've been really emotional from then (probably obvious what that means), and am going out tonight, I unfortunately cannot make the most of.. well anything really. And shit, I just realised my undies are on inside out. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA. I think I may be manic-depressive. I seem to swing from really happy to really sad in, literally, a matter of seconds. But back to my confusion (which, by the by may have something to do with my disorder??), everything is not really going well. And although something sortof did work itself out, I still so don't even get how it's sorted itself out. See, I'm not even making sense right now. And I just realised what the burning smell was. It was my straightner, that has been sitting on my quilt ever since I turned it on, about 40 minutes ago. I really honestly think there's something wrong with me.

Meanwhile, I've still got the feather in my hair, and I desperately need to finish my Hamlet essay, as I'm going out later, and working tomorrow. I also need to figure out what I'm wearing. And I lost my shoes that I really wanted to wear tonight. I seriously have no idea where they are.

Wish I could roll cigarettes, and that I had longer hair, and that we had a freaking mirror in the bathroom. Also that I had money to pay my phone bill (that is now approaching 300 dollars, and also to buy new shoes and things, and my polaroid film that's been waiting at the camera shop since I ordered it 3 weeks ago because I don't have enough money to buy it with hahahha), and more time to do my homework in. Ugh, life is way too hard.

Listening to The Smiths (as usual), and So Frenchy So Chic albums (which I listen to when dejected, but only the depressing ones). Found lots of pictures of beautiful women before. On top of everything else, I'm now going to have to deal with the mayhem that probably comes with not knowing if you're actually a lesbian or not. (I'm going to say I'm probably not, I just like beautiful women.. maybe it's penis envy?? Or maybe I'm in denial.)

stay, or forever go

Drama play all this week; we got moderated tonight, and I think it went well. At least there wasn't a fucking great spider on stage right in front of where I was sitting, like last night. Pretty bloody tired though. Woke up in a really good mood, happy as a fucking clam, and then proceeded one of the worst days I've ever had. May have something to do with the amount of unexpected mood swings I had to deal with (yes, I'm female, fuck off).

I accidentally took up smoking again, shit. Came home, freaked out because I felt like crying, and also had moderation tonight, smoked as moodily as possible, wrote some seriously fucked up poetry, got a call from a private number, got even more shitty, dumped clothes and stuff all over my room, daydreamed a bit about what would be happening if things were better, and then went back to school to get ready for our play.

After my monologue, and after most of my stuff on stage had been done, I drank a really really strong coffee (and I'm fairly sure the milk was off), ate 3 shitty orange creme biscuits, bitched about how much I hate boys, had an amazing d&m with the star of the show (pretty much anyway), Henry IIV. Talked to the executioner about coming back to my house and getting really drunk, but as we both have school tomorrow, decided it wouldn't be a very good idea. I'm now sitting in bed, feeling a bit sick, unhappy, really wired and like I want to stab someone, and cry (at the same time). I'm also listening to Only This Moment which isn't helping either because I listened to it in History a while back, also when I was in a crappy mood, so it's bringing back painful memories of that day. And god I hate being in denial.

Wish I was here

i ended up with sore lips

The Smiths goes wonderfully on a rainy winter afternoon!

oh god

I'm reading things from http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/ and they're all really lame, unlike usual, where I piss myself laughing, while I'm by myself, and it's kinda embarrassing so I kinda stop, but can't because they're actually so funny. Right now, the only reaction I've had to any of them was a slight sarcastic snort, and even that's lame, as I'm sitting in bed by myself, just after midnight, on a sunday night..
My life is so great.

has the perrier gone straight to my head?

Listening to The Smiths, daydreaming about things.., and really wanting to be asleep right now, but loving the rain. Had a sweet dream last night, unfortunately I was woken up just where it was getting really good, by a stupid phonecall. I was well pissed off. Overall a good weekend though. Could've been better. That's just my wishful thinking. Bollocks hahah.

This is me and the loves of my life on friday night:

disrupt us

The best antidote for being in a shit mood is listening to Miss You Less, See You More, by Faithless, and eating tom yum for breakfast. Don't judge me..

Now I'm off to do some notes for history. Probably 13 pages, like last time!

three words, eight letters. say them, and I'm yours

I'm bored and its probably too late for me to be up, because I have to be at school in like 8 hours. But I'm sad, and lonely, and I want to be with someone and I'm not, all I have to comfort me is the soothing sounds of Chris Martin's voice, singing me (The Scientist) to sleep.


Update...
However, I do have some funny mementos from facebook chat (oh so cool), over the evening.. to possibly cheer me up ahhah

A
hhaha hes a fuckface
aha go to bed
B
i ammmm
A
or write a funny tired blog
B
i did ahhahha

the sea is a molten sheet of gold under a cotton floss sky

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night (and occasionally at dawn), grab my phone from my bedside table, and write poetry in it. Haven't done it for ages, but I used to do it all the time - I think I get really insightful while I'm asleep ahah. Some of the stuff I just found in my drafts:

He peered at me through a frosted glass window of confusion - 2.30am

Having a conscience is brutal - 1.16am

He was the only one that would look at me, and talk to me like I was worth anything - 12.18am

It's not what is said, but the intention that it is said with, that has much impact - 11.40pm

I woke up last night and my bed was in a midnight river of tiny silver stars - 6.18am

And a story that I wrote in my sleep (yeah, I don't get it either)..

It was so right, and so wrong to want someone this way. He'd spent half an hour in her company, and already he'd had 13 fantasies - 12 of which involved her and himself, and the 13th involved her, him, and her best friend... which was weird for him, as he was usually quite conservative in his daydreaming, but, nevertheless, made him ache in a way that was both uncomfortable, and at the same time, really very pleasant.

Actually, I think I had a dream along those lines, and woke up and wrote it in my phone.. I'm fairly sure in the dream, the boy and the girl were walking along a pebbled beach at sunset. How cute!

I wish I could make a living from writing poetry. That would actually be such a good life.

I got asked to go for a run with my neighbour in like half an hour. Not too keen to do exercise to be honest, haven't done any proper exercise for probably about a year, don't know why I should start now..

It was such an amazing day today, I was filled with love for so much of it, apart from when I almost passed out in drama, no bloody idea why, but I had a terrible dizzy spell, and then decided I should probably go eat something. I ate almost $5 worth of brazil nuts before too, and am feeling well sick now.

Due to the amazing weather, and my great feeling of love, I have decided that I don't care if people use me, as long as they do. Which is slightly masochistic of me, but who give a fuck, I want what I want, and I'm prepared to be in pain even because of it. Jesus, I'm truly screwed up!

Listening to:
Pull My Heart Away - Jack Peñate (yeah I know, iTunes single of the week's a bit embarrassing, but his voice is bliss, and especially how he pronounces 'wall' and 'hall', I swear I'm in love)
Courtship Dating - Crystal Castles
Such A Rush - Coldplay (another unreleased song from like 1998)

don't answer that..

I think I figured out a possible reason for my crazy ass antics. And that is,
I am actually in love.
Not sure how that solves my 'I don't know' problem, but it might? Hahahahah.

good girls go bad

Oh yessssss, raining again, for the third night in a row. I love rain at night, I'm fairly sure nothing could get better. Except for rain on a warm night, and thunderstorms in summer. Like the other day, it was so warm, and at 11 at night it was still amazing, and there was lightning everywhere and it was so beautiful, and I really just obviously can't get over how amazing it was.

Hahahah mum just walked in and told me my posture was terrible and that I'm going to not have any muscles in my stomach if I keep sitting like this. To be quite honest, I have no idea what my stomach and my posture have to do with each other but okay.. hahha.

Actually, it's stopped raining now, bit of a disappointment, due to my huge love for rain.

"Can I have your old phone?"
"No."
"Why?"
"It's broken."
"No it's not."
"Well, it is, I dropped it in a toilet.."

Jesus, and now my brother is crying, because.. well I don't actually know why. Mum treats him like an absolute baby, even though he's 10. He should bloody well know how to take care of himself. I had to be self sufficient from the age of 9. Ok, not completely self sufficient, but emotionally self sufficient. Yeah, I think I'm really screwed up. I probably have a personality disorder. Actually, today in Psych, we were picking out all the personality disorders that apply to people we know, and there's a surprising lot of them. About three applied to me. Mum thinks I'm really really selfish. I'm not, I'm just taking care of myself. I have to think about myself a lot, because no one else takes any care of me. Hahah. Not that I really need anyone to take care of me, but a maid or something might be nice..

Been listening to See You Soon by Coldplay (I think it's unreleased or something), which is amazing, and so indicative of my mood the past few days. Actually, I was in such a good mood last week, due to the sweeet weather. Unfortunately I think my mood died yesterday, and I've been kind of crap ever since. Yeah ok, it's been like 36 hours but hey.

Oh and It's My Own Heart That Makes Me Cry by Glasvegas actually makes me cry! Okay, that's a lie, but it almost does. Norah Jones also doesn't ever go amiss.

I just had a massive craving to watch Sex and the City. I think I might go have a bath however, seeing as there's nothing better to do (except homework maybe, or because it's so bloody hot in my room, go sit outside on the wet pavement..). Hmm, whatever.


Ps: I want to live in an apartment like this. And I want a bedroom like this:


Except not missing someone. And I love The Dreamers, and her

maps, to my heart

Oh god, why must I be like this?



So long this night,
It's not quite our time.
Now there's nothing left to say,
Just goodnight.

000

Oh god. I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach where I know something bad's going to happen. Not that it has, and it won't happen, not now. But I'm not really sure, sometime soon, something bad will happen, something that I want, that's so terribly wrong. And then I get that feeling.

i just wanna kiss you

As usual, my life is actually way too thrilling for words. Last friday night, I went out with the girls, and thrillingly didn't get asked for id, mainly because the bouncers fell in love with all of us. I may possibly use this to my advantage again this weekend..

Found out something so humiliating today, and I felt like absolute crap for several minutes after being told - nevertheless, got over it quick enough. I probably shouldn't share so much of myself with people. Ironic - this seems to be an underlying theme in my life.. that I'm just way too open. Emotionally and physically probably. Hahahah.

Listening to:
Stepping stone - Duffy (its a bit boring, but its about not letting people step on you which probably applies to my life so yes)
S Club 7 (mainly because they're awesome)
The Smiths
Coeur de Pirate
and some early Sinatra, just coz I can
Bit of a contrast there.. hahahha.

Watched the latest episode of True Blood, ep 8 of season 2 I think it was.. And I've fallen a little bit in love with Godric. I can't figure out what his accent it. I think he may be slightly Dutch maybe?

Still no bathroom, absolutely devastated about that, I'm so sick of washing my hair in the bath. Which I should've done earlier, seeing as Spooks is on in 25 minutes, and it takes so much longer than that to have a bath... Hmm.

Also, I hate people that head fuck with me. It really confuses me, and shits me, and I don't fucking know where I stand. Not that I want to stand anywhere. I had a dream about parachuting the other day. Funny thing was, I was having sex in the air. Odd.

?

"Welcome to struggling artistry. To dreams that have gone by the wayside refusing to die. To hope."

From something or other.
More later.. x

err

Hahahah I just picked up my last 15 baked beans individually with my fork.

ahem

That was quite probably the most exhilarating walk I've ever been on. No, actually that's a lie. It was just really windy. Anyway, I got back almost an hour ago, and so far, I've actually dont pretty much nothing, except calculate some things on my phone, and wonder about how I'm going to get away with no ID for my friend's 18th thing tomorrow night.. and also what I'm going to wear. Which probably won't matter either way, seeing as I'll be kicked out within probably 10 minutes anyway..

Being in a state of unrequieted love is really fucking shit. Not that it's love particularly. But still.

.

It's an absolutely glorious day! This morning I woke up and opened my doors for my cat to go outside, and just standing there in my bra and undies was absolutely amazing, it wasn't even cold and there was this gorgeous breeze, and I didn't even get goosebumps. So, therefore, I became full of love for almost the whole day. However, as is usual in my life, things don't go according to plan. People were wankers, and I found myself sinking into my usual feeling of self loathing, and everything loathing, and I became filled with hate for everyone, and everything. But eventually, mainly becuase of this amazingly amazing weather in winter, I started getting optimistic once again, and have now decided to go for a walk in the sunlight!

ridiculous!

Someone keeps ringing me on a private number. Well ok, it's only been twice but I really really hate that. It's so annoying, I pick up and go "Hello?" and nothing. And then they stayed on the line for like 10 seconds without saying anything and me going "Who is this??" a number of times, and then hung up which is fucking creepy. God, my life is so interesting.

I'm seriously thinking I might light up in my room. Fuck lung cancer, fuck everything, I may have slightly given up. But only slightly.

However, I have completely and utterly given up on keeping a clean room. I haven't cleaned it for, no joke, like probably 16 weeks. It is an absolute tip, and everytime mum comes in to distribute clothes I've left lying around the house, she makes this outraged face, and goes "YUCK" really loudly and then walks out. It's actually a disgrace though, I'm not sure if I can even call myself a human being anymore. However, it's quite exciting whenever I pick something up off the floor, because there's usually something under it that I haven't seen for a while, so I guess it raises the positive surprise stakes (if that even makes sense??)

Slightly obsessed with jazz, such as Ella Fitzgerald and things.. Also Tony Bennett and Frank Sinatra are always a winner.

But however, I have this note taking and text book questions thing due for history tomorrow, and I've only noted like 6 pages so far which is really crap, as if we don't hand it in, we'll get zero. Jesus he's such a fucking fascist pig. But yes, either history work or bath.. which is it to be. Probably eating actually, I think I'm pregnant, the amount of shit I have been craving, buying and then eating this week is insane. Hopefully I'm not going to get really really fat, but knowing my luck with life in general, I'll blow up like a balloon by the time I'm 20, and then have a heart attack at 23. The prospects are not good.

all i want from you are three little words

I'm listening to my brother hobbling around on his crutches, and it's really quite annoying. Bang bang bang bang bang. I can also hear in the background, him talking to mum..
"If I ever get really really rich, I'll give all my money to you and dad and charities."

He's really pissed off with me because I refused to make him a milkshake before. Mum got angry with me, and told me I was selfish, and I replied "He's not a cripple, he's just got a broken leg." and then he said "I can't hold anything!" to which I said "You hold things with your feet?" Yeah, my whole family hates me just because I didn't make one of them a fucking milkshake. Jesus.

Anyway, I'm watching Tony's ep of Skins season 2, which is probably one of my favourites, mainly because it's just really effed up, apart from Effy's ep of season 1. I should however, be having a bath (still no shower, fuck my life), and getting ready for bed, but I truly can't be arsed.

"Coward, fucking coward."
"Coward."
"Wanker."

I'm really craving a cigarette, even though I gave up over a month ago. I fell off the wagon a few times, but only because I had been drinking and was just being crap as usual. I swear, I either need to stay sober forever, or just get drunk alone, because whenever I'm around people I just make a massive dick of myself by being way too honest (or just making up shit, either one, I'm not sure which I do more of), or just get really pathetic and cry. Or, I fuck everyone. My life is pathetic and shameful. God.

me + maman

This is a conversation had just before and during my washing hair in the sink escapade. The kitchen sink was full of grease and shitty stuff, due to the plates and things being washed in it. Obviously I thought this was really yuck, so I complained..

"Yuck, the sink is really gross." *fake dry retch* - me
"Stop being so girly." - mum
"What's wrong with being girly?"
"It's weak."
"But that's like saying that crying is pathetic or something." (Which I did not say to my brother earlier this evening... massive hypocrite, oops.)
"No it's not. But being girly is just giving up, and all the feminists who worked their arses off to get equal rights for you would not be happy."
"But they'd think that, like, wearing deoderant was being girly." (Little bit of a stereotype here, sorry to any deoderant wearing feminists who may get offended by this statement.)

At this point, mum walked off because I was taking the piss a bit, and I'm fairly sure she was trying to have a serious conversation with me.. By this time, I was upside down in the sink, with shampoo in my hair. She came back after a while, and then we started talking about chivalry or something..

"But why do people say that chivalry shouldn't be dead then? Isn't expecting that just being girly?" - me
"No, its just good manners."
"Mmm.."
"Do you really want someone to look after you your whole life?"
"Well.. Ha. Noo.. But I think I might need someone to look after me right now, or I might drown in the sink."

Pathetic attempt to lighten the mood. It may just have worked though hahah.

Really loving frankmusik, completely sexually in love with him ahhh ;D
And I really love Ellie Goulding, Starsmith and his remix of Marina and the Diamonds 'I Am Not A Robot'. It's really sexy!
Love to all x

why

(F+TM)
You hit me once
I hit you back
You gave a kick
I gave a slap
You smashed a plate over my head
Then I set fire to our bed

Now there's no rolling back, I'm aching to attack
My blood is singing with your voice, I want to pour it out
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloodied feet across the hollow ground

"I think they like kissed and stuff.."
"Which means they made out and were naked together."

jingle of pocket change, pulsing

I've changed my mind. I'm never letting anyone know anything about me, again, ever.

im standing on a stage

At least it's all out in the open now..
Which is good.
I think.
That's my new philosophy, seeing as when I drink, I find it impossible to either keep my mouth shut, or stop myself from being pathetic and crying hahah, so I may as well just be really honest when I'm sober too.
No more secrets! Well thats a massive lie, I'm obviously going to have secrets (my dad always tells me that 'discretion' is the key - ironic coming from him, but anyway), just I'm not going to bottle myself up. And necessary things will inevitably come out. Like if i hate people. Or if I, unfortunately do not hate them.

Listening to I feel blue by Lakasha, which is basically amazing. And it's calming my head, which I really need right now, seeing as I drank a bit over half a bottle of vods (YUCK) and some gin last night. Why do I have no limit?? It's a curse, I swear. But at least I had a shower this morning, which was heavenly. No, our bathroom isn't finished yet, I stole someone elses hah.

Work in an hour, also a curse. I am so amazingly hungover, and I really feel like death. Off to find some coffee or any type of caffeine. Woo yeah, it's gonna be a good day.