magnetic and poisonous

She sat down at the table with tears in her eyes. He was still standing, looking away from her, as she was looking away from him. The floor suddenly had such intricate details that she felt she could look at it forever. Or at least until he left.

He bent over, and with the gesture of a movie star, bent her chin upwards so she couldn't look away anymore. It felt almost rehearsed, this moment; absurd and awkward. She resisted his touch, and pulled away.

He cleared his throat.

'You know we can't do this anymore.'

It was a statement of fact. She had to agree with him; there was nothing else to say, really.

'Yes.' She whispered this, feeling like she could neither raise her voice or her face for fear of crying out and throwing herself at him. He was magnetic. And poisonous.

'Good.' He turned to leave, and she saw his dirty canvas shoes turn away from her. She was still not looking at his face. The shoes turned back for a moment. She was still looking at the floor.

There was a pause and then an intake of breath, like he wanted to say something more.

But he didn't, and turned and walked away.

It was only when she heard the door close she felt safe to look up once more. Her eyes had dried by now, but there was a fury building in her chest, clogging up her lungs and making it difficult to breathe in. Hard sharp breaths punctured the silence.

Looking outside to the verandah, she saw the light was that strange yellow-green, the beginning-of-spring light, the light that filters through grey clouds on an early Spring afternoon.

She stood, still breathing fast, shaking a little. Walked to the door, and opened it. A chill breeze blew in, and she inhaled, deeply, steadying herself.

Oh, she thought, it's for the best really.

But she knew, deep down, it wasn't over. It was never over.

short stories (or real life events that i need to whinge about without being too obvious)

it's kinda hard to discern what is ok and what is not ok to write on a blog about other people. i have this dream where i can say everything i think, or write it down, and no one will get angry or upset or hurt because of what i had to say.

wishful thinking on my part, as a lot of the things i think, or want to write down, are both innapropriate and/ or mean.

heard some people speaking about writing memoirs the other day - they spoke about this issue. what is ok and what is not ok when it comes to writing about people in memoirs (or in my case, this).

but seriously, what is ok? is it ok to complain? not really i guess. especially if there is any likelihood of the person reading it.

or vent in general?

what about not saying names?

or pretending it's a short story. i guess i'll do that one.

so, short stories! (aka venting about people in my life who sometimes i really really dislike and / or want to stab hate with a vengeance.)

felt like i really needed to write before, but alas, as soon as i sat myself down all ready to begin, the words clogged themselves up and refused to come out the way i wanted them to.

so to save everyone some embarrassment, here are some photos instead

sources
1 / 2 / 3

fog and the incessant need to do things, suddenly, with wet nailpolish

i find i always discover a thousand things that need doing, right after i've painted my nails. like for example, the washing needs to be put out, or put in the machine, or i need to vaccuum before mum gets home..

which is why i've started painting them right before bed, because surely i (you, one) won't suddenly find heaps of jobs to be done. well, if you agreed with that statement, you'd be

WRONG! 

i just found i have 50 bobbypins in my hair which i obviously have to take out for sleeping, also my nose suddenly needs blowing, and my sock is halfway down my foot.

the trials and tribulations of being a female who is obsessed (and i mean freaky-deaky perfectionist OCD type obessed) with perfect painted nails..

ahhh, drove home from the city in knee-deep fog (if you hung from the streetlights); i felt like the whole world was not even there. and any minute i could just drive off the edge of the universe - rather like in pirates of the caribbean. or sinbad.

if anyone has ever driven in thick fog at night before, they will understand.

the lights of your car only take you as far as the beams travel, and you cannot see what is in front of your car until it is quite literally right in front of your car.

which is a bit nerve wracking while driving at 90 kms an hour.

thai food for dinner, the first book of the milennium trilogy is sitting on my bed (must do some more quality reading), and i handed out several (and by several i mean loads) of my resumes this afternoon.

ahhh life is good sometimes.

obsessed

with this.

about to go to work, sitting listening to colplay and the tallest man on earth (weird combination), and reading through all my old posts from 2009. i miss myself.

so,

I've been thinking a lot recently. about life, and what kind of person i am.

like, what do other people see when they look at me?

i honestly have no clue.

i'd like to be someone who people look at and think 'she looks lovely'.

i drank cider and watched the tallest man on earth perform yesterday afternoon. the light. oh that light. greeny-yellow, filtering through dark grey clouds. i sat on a shawl wearing my new green dress and mouthed along to his beautiful words.

i'm a bit melancholy at the moment. it's strange, i feel like it's a kind of deep sadness that i can use and take in to make myself a better person.

lost love has also been occupying my thoughts.

what if i never meet someone who connects to me as well as he did? what if i do? will i forget him? what does that make me? was it really as important as i thought at the time? can't i just take the piss out of myself please? that usually makes me feel less lost.

i owe some photos from my recent holiday. i promise they're on their way!

never has something moved me as much as this

“I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like ...forests and mountains„ deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know - unless it be to share our laughter. We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love.”

— James Kavanaugh

10 jobs

Ten things I think I might want to be when I grow up:

1. A photographer (have my own design studio and a sexy partner in crime)

2. A writer (ditto - except writing studio. perhaps overlooking a park or a little laneway in paris? will work on this)

3. A travel writer (probably an office of some sort - see 6)

4. Psychologist (private practice with other likeminded professionals, interested in the advancement of the research into the human psyche)

5. Circus costume designer/Fashion designer (design studio - see 1)

6. Journalist (work from an office where I have my own little cubicle and cubicle plant, and gorgeous work friends who I go on lunch break with everyday and gossip about things {but not boring things}, interesting ideas and things)

7. Vintage shop owner/importer of fabulous things (with maman. pretty little shop with big windows and amazing colour schemes)

8. Teacher (boring but safe. to inject some excitement, overseas deployment - english teacher at a foreign language school?)

9.  Rich man's kept wife (not in a gross and un-feminist way, something like that book 'Lazy Ways to Make a Living'? also, I could have lots of hobbies, and even jobs! but i would work from home. of course. include 1-10 as ideas for these hobbies/jobs)

10. Full time blogger (would need some serious advertising to keep me going. also need some sort of creative, motivational drug to inspire me to actually be bothered to post everyday. hmm. this could work alongside 1, 2, 5, 7 - the only real options anyway).

What do we think?

I need something where I can work from home/a wee design studio and somewhere where if possible I can go outside and soak up the sunshine (if there is any), otherwise it'll be raining most days so I can stare out the window and be inspired by that. I'm always more inspired when it's raining anyway

wanderlust part 1

Coming back from holiday is hard work!

But am sitting comfortably at my laptop with freshly painted nails, a cup of peach tea and Bob Dylan is on in the background (on vinyl, thankyouverymuch. scratchy mmm).

A previous beau of mine looked a wee bit like Bob Dylan.

Deluded? Yes.

Anyway, back to Melbourne. It was incredible! I am convinced it is the city for me. Considering I haven't been to gay Paree or London on New York, in which case I'm sure they'd be the cities for me. But I'm sticking with Melbourne for now.

Had a moment of hair inspiration (due to all the pretty girls with them..) while walking down High St, and decided to cut my fringe again. I regretted it immediately afterwards. It took soooooo long to grow it out to my earlobes. But here I am, again with a fringe. It is without a doubt, me. It is my trademark, if you will.

So, I spent a beautiful 10 days with Mama-Duck interstate. First two nights, spa country. Mum hit a magpie. Not important. We (well I did) got sloshed in front of a fire at a little wine bar/restaurant. The waiter was a cutie-pie.

Stayed for the rest of the time with relations - my aunt, uncle, cousin and 2 baby cousins. Adorabubble! Full on. But weirdly made me a bit clucky. Ew, no I don't mean that.

Found incredible restaurants, coffee places, flowers were everywhere, bought lovely things, saw a mantlepiece with 12 polish teapots in the colours of the rainbow. Ate amazing tapas type food. Relaxed, de-stressed.

Here are some pictures!

Flower obsessed?

Possibly..

Lamely Nursery

Wonderful place! We're not even at out destination yet, just dawdling on the way xxx

daylight savings and a trip to melbourne

This daylight savings thing is such a larrrf! Kidding, it messes with my body clock and I feel like a lazy shit because I thought I'd slept in till 12 today but really it was only 10, 9 in old time. And my stupid bloody iPhone had changed the time forward not once, but twice. Yes that's right kiddies.

Anywho, enough of that, my dear Mother-Duck and I are heading off to our favourite city later this week. Well, technically in 2 days! I've been hanging out for a holiday since my last one, and can't wait for it because I have definitely had enough of this place. For the moment at least!

Here are some photographios of last time Mum took a holiday to Melb. I unfortunately was not present, but I will be this time!

coldplay

I stand alone atop Violet Hill, gazing at the sunset towards the horizon, the sunset glowing its brilliant Yellow glow, A Whisper swaying in the wind, guiding my mind back from the beginning, to the end. What If time seized to exist, Clocks never to persist, only White Shadows moving at the Speed of Sound. I wonder if The Hardest Part is really just Twisted Logic, reality Swallowed In The Sea. I think and ponder over the Trouble in life, but realize in the end, that Everything's Not Lost.

- Some guy on YouTube

Witty banter

Washing occasion on a Sunday morning. Surprisingly it took two people to even carry the basket up to the washing line. I think there were about 3 loads in there.