...and so i stop to think and breathe and wonder at the world

i hate lies. careful wording there - i don't hate liars, although they frustrate me no end - i hate lies themselves, twisting and turning and forcing their way into peoples' lives where they always, always cause damage.

i am an anxious person. i don't like to say that as though it defines me as a person, but for as long as i can remember i have thought up ridiculous scenarios where death and destruction are rife, and perhaps the world is ending, or someone i love has no legs. it does sound ridiculous. even i recognise that.

but lies and an anxious personality go hand in hand. on the one (hand), i lie to make people stress less about me, on the other, i hate it when people lie or exaggerate events or scenarios because (especially if it is a bad thing) what if the lie comes true?

i do know that thinking something can't make it happen, but the power of the spoken word is a completely different matter. at risk of sounding completely insane, sometimes i say things over and over to make sure something doesn't happen. like 'they won't get hurt' or 'this won't happen'.

i'm a big advocate for seeing a psychologist. i think that people are absolutely obsessed with their outer beauty but no one really takes the time to search for their inner beauty. which is a great shame, because if more people realised that what is inside counts the most, i bet the world would be a much better place. don't get me wrong, tackling your inner problems is really hard. really, really hard to start with. which is why a lot of people don't even try. or if they do try, they give up almost straight away.

but once you begin, it's almost addictive. working through your brain, and picking it apart is actually really interesting. not only do you learn more about yourself, you also learn more about people as a whole - although i think im strange, almost everyone has some aspects of what i have. i don't like labels which is why i'm not going to be specific, but the point is, talking about yourself for an hour a fortnight is actually quite therapeutic in itself.

so start slow, and keep going, and maybe once you figure a couple of things out, the world will be better. and it might only be your small world, but it's a start. and then there's more incentive to keep going. and lying will become less common, and people will start getting happier. and noticing life. and engaging in beautiful things. like a petal falling in the breeze, spiralling to the grass.

i am by no means cured. in actual fact, it's ongoing work for me. little steps: more beauty and less exaggerations and more truth in your day to day life. that's a start at least.